Hello ladies and gentlefolk, or whatever titles you readers want to go by. I am so absolutely thrilled to announce that over Spring Break, I got engaged.

Strictly speaking, I haven’t asked the lucky lady yet, but I know the answer will be a resounding yes. We’ve fallen into a deep love like no other, not unlike a hot panini — crunchy on the outside, sweet and delicious on the inside. Just call me Ryan Gosling. I might not respond at first, because no one has ever called me that before, but hot dog that would be cool if it were a thing. Can we make that a thing?

Anyway, I visited my brother at the University of Michigan over break, but that’s unimportant — dead goldfish are more interesting than him. The really juicy details happened in Detroit, the undeniable city of love. I was on my way to fly back home to Boston and as I was going through security, I saw her: the TSA agent created by Aphrodite herself. Her name was Kaitlyn. Or was it Kathryn? It was something with a “K,” I’m sure of it, so I’ll just call her Kay.

The line moved forward and I began my wooing. I’ve been watching a lot of nature documentaries, so I’m pretty much an expert on the art of seduction. I started emptying my bag into the bin so she could see all of the sexy little trinkets I had packed in case something like this would happen. If you want to get lucky, boys, pack the following:

• A DVD Box Set of the Wiggles, to show that you’ve got the best dance moves this side of the Mississippi.
• Three suitcases filled with hair products to show that you care about how you look. Bonus points if you’re bald; it adds to the mystery.
• Pictures of ferrets. Women love ferrets. Google images will do you fine.
• A packet of Q-tips, for emergencies. You know what I mean.

As soon as Kay saw these things on the conveyor belt, I knew she thought I was hotter than the sun — if the sun were, like, three suns that were super hot. She looked at me and asked, “Really?” to which I responded with a Steve Buscemi smile and a Stevie Wonder wink. The game was on, baby.

But things got real once I went through the body scanner. In that moment, Kay became the first woman to see my body in months, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. As I raised my arms above my head, I knew the machine wasn’t the only thing checking me out.

But here’s the thing: I kept my Sea World keychain on my belt loop, so I knew they’d take me to a full cavity search. Kay brought her manager, Bob, over to do the search, but I know it’s just because we had to keep up appearances. Romance at work just creeps some people out. I found that out the hard way when I worked at Chili’s, but that’s a story for another day.

Once the search was over, I grabbed my things and yelled, “I love you.” I don’t think she heard me, but I guess a love this pure is better left unsaid. I already booked my ticket back to Detroit. I bet she’ll love the surprise.

Ian McCourt is a junior television/radio/film major. His cologne line titled “Short but somehow attractive white guy” will hit shelves at Kohl’s this June. You can reach him at iwmccour@syr.edu or follow him @OrderInMcCourt on Twitter.

Published on March 21, 2016 at 8:13 pm