In the past week, additional batches of Hillary Clinton’s emails were released by WikiLeaks.

Clinton’s emails have many Americans concerned, but the overwhelming majority have never actually even seen any of them. Even though the emails are readily available online, most Americans don’t have the time or ability to read. So, that’s why The Daily Orange hired a bunch of barbers to comb through every single one of Hillary Clinton’s emails.

Just like the FBI, they didn’t find much.

To prove it, I picked some random email chains sent during Clinton’s time as U.S. secretary of state, on April 11, 2012, which I copied and pasted for your pleasure.

2:30 a.m.
Subject: Great Deals on Snuggies!
From: Bed Bath & Beyond

Get excited, Hillary. Tired of using a blanket that won’t stay wrapped around you when you’re relaxing at home?

2:33 a.m.
Subject: Snoogies?
To: Chief of Staff

Hey Rob, have you heard of the Snuggie? I think we could use them for late nights in the conference room …

11:15 a.m.
Subject: Get Your Spring Fling On
From: Dress Barn

Ready to break out from all that thick and restricting clothing? This spring you’d look great in our cute new casual pantsuit …

1:48 p.m.
Subject: Improvements to our Emails
From: AOL

Hi Hillary, We miss you. We’ve got a bunch of new features for AOL email, the most secure and easy to use in email history. There’s no excuse not to switch …

4:57 p.m.
Subject: Santorum Out
To: President Obama

Barack,
Rick Santorum just dropped out — looks like you’ll be taking on Mitt Romney. Should be easy to take down, he only knows business, can’t campaign on much else …

9:33 p.m.
Subject: The Nigerian Royal Family Help
From: Nigerian Prince Daniel

Hello,
I am from the royal family of Nigeria and rebels have kicked us out of power. We need a small loan of $5,000 to pay our troops and we will give you back $300,000 once we regain power …

 

Seems like a very normal day in the life of a secretary of state. No government secrets there. Wonder if she ever helped the Nigerian family — I mean, that’s what our state department is there for, isn’t it?

Josh Feinblatt is a sophomore television, radio, film major. He’s waiting for his $15,000 reimbursement from that Nigerian prince that he’s been emailing with for the past month. You can follow him on Twitter @josh_is_fein or reach him at jfeinbla@syr.edu.

Published on October 25, 2016 at 9:28 pm