No-Shave November has always been my favorite holiday. I celebrate it all year round. I haven’t seen my chin since March 2015. Hell, I don’t even know how to pronounce the word “razor” anymore.

But on the morning of Nov. 1, things are different. The land is quiet. The air is crisp and clear. The warm sun shines upon my cheek. The month where not shaving is considered charitable instead of lazy has arrived, and my beard and I are free to run wild once more.

So it’s time to celebrate, because for the first time all year, my mom is not allowed to tell me I look homeless. By not shaving, I’m raising awareness for men’s health issues, like prostate cancer. I’ve never shaved my prostate to begin with, but I’ll do anything I can to help.

That’s why I’m releasing a line of my very own beard products. All of the proceeds will go to me, as I am a man who’s aware of my health. I’ve been drinking three glasses of milk a day since I was four, and I’m still only five foot six. How did I get the bad end of this deal.

But my “Bard of the Beard” products are only some of the many ways I can celebrate Movember. Maybe I’ll become a cowboy. I’ll ride on horseback across the Great American West, looking out on the red rock and feeling the wind blow through the hair that grows down my chinny-chin-chin. I’ll order whiskey at a saloon in the middle of Arizona and play poker with some bandits. Or maybe I’m just dreaming I’m in “Westworld” again.

Or perhaps I’ll become a philosopher and debate the fiercest issues of our time, since I pretty much just spend all of my time tenderly stroking my beard, anyways. Who are we? Why are we here? Why can’t I be a cowboy? These are the questions I can only ask with my fingers running through my facial hair. Did I mention I’m thinking of spending my free time as a lumberjack?

But of course, one can’t celebrate No-Shave November without the classic traditions. So, I’m going to fill pie tins with shaving cream and throw them in the face of anyone I see who’s clean-shaven. I will be doing this every single day for the entire month. You’ve been warned.
I also will be tweeting #BeardFacts instead of doing anything I should be doing. Facts like, “sometimes I get cream cheese in my beard and don’t notice all day” and “some women don’t grow beards.” #BeardFacts.
And if you think I’m cutting the celebrations short once November ends, think again. Scratch your chin as you do it — it’ll help you realize how wrong you are. First, we have “Don’t Shave December,” and words can’t describe my excitement for “Just the ‘Stache January” — you know what they say, “new year, new me.” And with “Facial Hair February” after that, you know I’m already half-way done with my “Don’t Cut That Beard” calendar. Get one free when you spend $500 on the Bard of the Beard package, now available online and at your local Trader Joe’s.

Ian McCourt is a senior television/radio/film major who needs a beard to feel like a man. You can follow him on twitter @OrderInMcCourt for more #BeardFacts, or reach him at iwmccour@syr.edu.

Published on October 31, 2016 at 7:53 pm