UPDATED: Sept. 25, 2017 at 11:21 p.m.

In the last 20 years, Emily Dyckman has struggled with anorexia, anxiety and depression. Despite those difficulties, she remains strong. The tattoo on her stomach — a lifeline that is interrupted by a semicolon but continues — is a reminder of that.

At 12 years old, Dyckman began to attend therapy. Not yet realizing that she had depression, Dyckman at the time went to discuss what she calls her “crippling fear of growing up.” Although she spoke to a therapist about it, she said it was not very helpful.

“I was like, ‘I have to look good in front of the therapist,’” Dyckman said. “It didn’t really work well because I wasn’t very honest with her.”

In high school, she began to realize that she might have depression. It was during this period of her life that she began to think of her tattoo.

“My uncle used to say to my cousins, ‘If I let you get a tattoo, as soon as possible, you’d have Barney on your ankle,’” Dyckman said.

Dyckman took her uncle’s comments, in which he advised only getting a tattoo that you truly love, into consideration. She spent four years contemplating her tattoo.

Although she began to wonder if she had depression in high school, Dyckman didn’t know for sure until her freshman year of college, when she started seeing a therapist again.

“The number one thing is that people doubt themselves. ‘Oh anxiety, everyone’s afraid of stuff. Everyone’s afraid of bees,’” Dyckman said. “It crosses a line, at a certain point, where you know that it is deteriorating from your life and is something that you want to change.”

Dyckman’s therapist encouraged her to visit a doctor about her possible anorexia.

“They told me, ‘Your body doesn’t have nutrients and it’s eating your muscle,’” she said. “Suddenly, once they told me that, I did a complete 180.”

Dyckman said she never realized she wasn’t being healthy. She ended up cutting carbs and fat without noticing. At the time, she only weighed 80 pounds.

After her diagnosis, Dyckman went to a nearby center where other people with eating disorders got together for a support group. Dyckman said she met many cool people there, and the experience really helped her.

After having gone through a lot of trauma her freshman year, she decided to get her tattoo, which has helped her tremendously.

“I’ve gotten to that place before where I’ve thought, ‘Maybe it’d just be better if I were gone,’” Dyckman said. “Having someone like this, like permanently to remind me you’re here for a reason, you’re strong enough to get through this and you did something to remind yourself of that, is really inspiring.”

People’s judgment of those with mental illnesses, and especially those who claim it’s for attention, upset Dyckman. She said those people are seriously hurting, no matter what the reason. She encourages people to talk to a professional and get their feelings validated, along with the help that they need.

“Tattoos are really good for finding strength,” Dyckman said. “They’re a permanent reminder of something, something you love, something you hate. It’s a reminder of my depression, which I hate. But it’s also like a reminder to survive, which I love.”

The story has been updated with appropriate style.

Published on September 25, 2017 at 10:40 pm

Contact Raven: rarentas@syr.edu