Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m going to cut right to the chase: please send me things. I need things. I know it’s only a week before Thanksgiving break and then I’ll be home again, but my resources are drying up.

For the past three weeks, I have eaten Sbarro pizza and cereal for all three meals. I ran out of paper towels and plastic utensils long ago and have since been stealing forks and napkins from the dining hall. I don’t have any tissues either, and have been using the dining hall napkins and now my nose hurts all the time.

I’m also having problems with the reusable water bottle that I brought here—it’s starting to smell weird. I would wash it, but I tried that once and my water tasted like soap for the entire day and quite frankly, I am not a fan of the taste of Dawn Original Scent Dishwashing Liquid.

If you could please just send me a care package with the following items, that would be greatly appreciated:

Food (all of it)
One gallon of plastic utensils
One hundred feet of paper towels and 2,000 tissues
A new water bottle (or better tasting dish soap)
A new trash bin (mine’s been full for a while)
A note telling me how much you love me (texts aren’t as meaningful)

Now, you’re probably thinking: “Why don’t you just walk to CVS or the bookstore? Don’t they have all that stuff there?” Well yes, but, while a trip to CVS may solve many of my problems, I simply don’t have the time.

When I’m not doing work, I’m either sleeping, watching Netflix or eating peanut butter off of a plastic spoon that’s been sitting out for a day and a half. Between all of these many rigorous activities, I simply do not have the time to walk all the way to Marshall Street and back. Plus, it’s cold out now. Carrying those bags back in the snow could lead to me getting a cold, and if I get a cold then you’d just have to send me medicine because I’m out of that too.

I know that it has been two weeks since I last reached out to you (if you don’t count that butt dial from Saturday night), and I’m sorry about that. But please, I’m asking you for one more chance. Send me these things and I will be the best daughter you’ve ever had (you won’t even remember my sisters’ names). I’ll study for every test I have at least two nights in advance. I’ll do more of my homework. I’ll even start doing my laundry on a weekly basis instead of just waiting until I run out of underwear.

I promise I’ll start calling you both every week — I can even throw a grandparent or other relative in there if you want. Just please, do this one thing for me. I don’t want to know what happens to people who eat Sbarro every day for 4 weeks straight and if I don’t get some actual food shipped to me soon, we both might find out.

Published on November 12, 2017 at 10:46 pm