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Editor’s note: All names/interviews used were made up.

There’s nothing like a good “I have it worse than you” battle. It’s like a Wild West duel, but instead of quick drawing and firing on each other, the first cowboy shoots himself in the foot, and then the second cowboy — not to be outdone — shoots himself in the thigh.

This article is the town doctor coming in to splash rubbing alcohol on one wound, drinking alcohol on the other and declare which cowboy got it worse. Much like a Wild West doctor if they were in the 21st century, my advice for improving the forthcoming ailments will be almost useless by modern standards, so I probably won’t give it.

In the case of Syracuse University during COVID-19, the biggest battle of the like is the one between each graduating class to see who’s got it worse.

Freshman Kyle, who asked to go by his first name because of his “Cher-like persona,” believes that “the pandemic was created by someone who was dropped off at Sadler freshman year by an Uber Pool.” His exceedingly poor understanding of how a virus starts, especially for a biology major, should not distract you from his point: Kyle believes COVID-19 hit him and his fellow freshmen harder than any other class. When asked for a rhyme or reason, Kyle said “I’ll go with rhyme. Kyle and mile.” After being told “rhyme or reason” is just an expression, Kyle gave us his reasons for COVID-19 hitting freshmen the hardest, and we narrowed it down to the most impactful one:

It’s too hard to make friends with social distancing. The limited social circle freshmen have due to COVID-19 means that someone like Kyle only has so many people he can tell about his high school glory days before everyone on his floor knows he “crushed it on one-third of the ACT,” a fact he took the first opportunity to share with me entirely unprompted. Kyle also said, “The way I usually make friends is by standing close to people to understand their vibe.” He added that, “It’s hard to get close to people when it’s illegal to get close to them, y’know?”

Sophomore Maya Richards thinks her classmates deserve to be the most bitter about COVID-19. Richards cited the loss of sophomore parties, which she claimed were “by far the craziest,” and the subsequent loss of fun party pictures on the internet, as her main reason. However, after I pointed out to her that there were not only pictures of her at parties on her Instagram, but also on her website, MayaAttendsBigGatherings.net, she gave me a more honest reason:

The pandemic has deprived sophomores of one of life’s purest pleasures: flexing their superiority over freshmen. The loss of in-person classes and the general weakness of the average sophomore’s social life means that they no longer are able to, as Richards put it, “show those punks where the bathroom is after laughing at them for a good half hour.” Richards went on to say she uses that example because it’s “funny to watch them hold it while you laugh.” She makes a fair point. Making fun of freshmen is a rite of passage for sophomores, and this year’s sophomores won’t get the full experience because of COVID-19.

Junior Anthony Sanderson was heated about this topic, and I quickly found out why. Sanderson told me he’s gotten into several fights with members of other classes and even members of other generations, referencing his frustration at a “crybaby” 4-year-old whom Sanderson says he overheard complaining that he couldn’t have a playdate.

“Neither can I, but you don’t hear me crying about that during the day in public,” said Sanderson of the small child. Sanderson says he’s really been going through it for one particular reason:

Juniors are having a more difficult time fixing the litany of mistakes they made during sophomore year. Part of the junior experience is about apologizing and making amends for what Sanderson described as mistakes that were the social equivalent of “whispering your Social Security number to remember it in front of a talented lip reader.” Because of COVID-19, juniors can’t pick up the pieces from which they have to stay six feet apart.

Senior Sarah Cunningham, who was so apathetic about doing the remainder of her schoolwork before graduating she offered to write this article to avoid it, is “done with this sh*t.” (Editor’s note: Cunningham actually said “S H star T” verbatim, on the record.)

Cunningham sees COVID-19 as “one of the 10 or 11 worst things to ever happen to me.” Take that statement with a grain of salt, though: During our interview she got an email telling her to change her NetID password and called it “easily in the top five for worst things I’ve experienced.” Cunningham shared with me the thing that’s impacted her the most about COVID-19, and it’s a doozy:

Cunningham believes the entire senior class would agree with her in saying that the thing that hurts the most about COVID-19 is “not graduating.” Cunningham called it “the same as when you go to a courthouse to get married, that’s not real love.” Regardless of what the diploma or marriage certificate might say, Cunningham has a point. When I asked her why she wasn’t most worried about the job market, she told me “If I don’t have my real degree, how am I supposed to get a job? Think about that, newspaper man.” She sees the job market and the lack of a real graduation as two sides of the same coin, and I’m thinking about changing my name to “Newspaper Man.” That’s what I’d call a fruitful interview.

It would seem to me that each graduating class is losing something significant. If you take any one thing away from this article, it should be to visit MayaAttendsBigGatherings.net. If you take two things, though, remember that every student is facing new challenges due to COVID-19. And then, of course, there’s the high-risk population that’s actually in medical danger.

Who’s to say which is better or worse? Anthony Sanderson would tell you “not that 4-year-old.” Be kind to every class, because they’re all going through it. And don’t trust 4-year-olds.

Eliot Fish is a senior television, radio, film major who writes the humor column for The Daily Orange. He can be found at ebfish@syr.edu or lying motionlessly, waiting to graduate.

Published on March 1, 2021 at 9:10 pm