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Editor’s note: All interviews used were made up.

There are a few moments you remember for the rest of your life: your wedding, your first time correcting someone older than you and your third wedding (the one that really sticks).

The point is, those moments are huge, and one of those moments is your college graduation. Walking across that stage is meant to be a moment of joy and pride for you and all of your family members there to support you.

Not anymore. New York state’s COVID-19 restrictions forced Syracuse University to limit each graduating students’ guest list to two people. This has turned the family aspect of graduation from a wonderful thing of happiness to a vengeful, bitter knock-down, drag-out fight.

So for any graduating student out there deciding whether they should invite their aunt, who probably does not know their name given by how often she calls them “sweetie,” or their uncle who is the only man ever to be kicked out of the Professional Bowling Association for an “attitude problem,” I’m here to help.

Firstly, let me say that there are many different ways to approach this issue. In my research for this column, I spoke to one student — a Whitman finance major — who said that he was going to “maximize value” like he was taught to. He’ll invite whichever member of his extended family he thought would “buy him the biggest Sears gift card.”

I cut the interview short after he attempted to tell me about Sears’ wide array of high-quality products. Come to think of it, I may have called the wrong number because he started with “Hi, thank you for calling Sears.”

Pointless non-sequiturs aside, choosing which two family members should come to your graduation requires guts and a cutthroat mentality. You might think that the obvious answer is to invite both parents, but I’d argue that’s a waste of a spot.

If you only invite one parent, then they will naturally record every moment of the ceremony for the other parent to see later. Inviting just one parent can also be a win-win: in my experience, there is usually one parent that wants to go to graduation and one parent that asked for a divorce four years ago so they won’t go if the other one does.

Instead, allow me to recommend the wildcard strategy: invite whichever family member you think will be the most memorable at your graduation. What we’re aiming for here is not necessarily a pleasant day — the idea of listening to Kent beg you not to forget him after you graduate and have money to donate is already unpleasant.

The happiness will come regardless, and most of your family members will undoubtedly be proud of you — unless your accomplishment of graduating pales in comparison to them being “one of the best to ever bowl” before they were thrown off the circuit. That’s why my argument is for maximizing the number of funny stories you’ll get out of your graduation day.

Would you rather your friends meet your normal, boring father, or your cousin who was able to leave the monastery she’s been living at without the nuns’ knowledge for a couple of days to see you in that cap and gown? Bring one person you trust, and have them relay stories later about the crazy family member you invited in lieu of your sister.

Revealing your decision to your family may be difficult, but as long as you start with something like “this is in no way a reflection of who I love the most, it’s just about who is most important to me and who I actively hate,” you should be fine.

Make sure your graduation is a day you never want to forget. I promise you, none of your uninvited family will let you forget it, so you might as well make it memorable.

Eliot Fish is a senior television, radio, film major who writes the humor column for The Daily Orange. He can be found at ebfish@syr.edu or in Sears, browsing their wide array of high-quality products.

Published on April 18, 2021 at 10:41 pm