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With spring break approaching, instead of going to Cabo, some of us will be forced to return to our dreaded hometowns. As hard as we’ll try to avoid those characters we went to high school with, it’s almost impossible to steer clear of them. Here is a list of the worst people you could possibly run into while you’re home.

1. Your eighth grade ex. Will they remember when you dated for three weeks? Yes. And have they forgotten about that first French kiss you shared? Absolutely not. Don’t worry, you can always rely on your eighth grade ex to bring up one of the most embarrassing moments of your existence in front of the cashier in CVS.

2. Second on our list is that girl who’s now super into a hair product that you’re 99.9% sure is a pyramid scheme. You’ve been avoiding answering their constant DMs on Instagram about “being your own girl boss” and “making six-figures a year by following their simple advice.” Now, as they stand in front of you at the Starbucks line, you’re finding yourself agreeing to purchase four bottles of her “miracle” shampoo for your “obviously damaged” hair.

3. Oh, and of course we have to talk about that girl from your high school that just got engaged. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing really wrong with her, but her sudden commitment to spend the rest of her life with one person makes you feel bad about being single. That diamond is so big and her fingers are so small. Now you’re sweating thinking about how if you die alone with seven cats; at some point the cats might start consuming your flesh. Oh my God, can she tell I’m thinking about cats consuming my flesh? Just smile and tell her congratulations.

4. Your high school math teacher. If his creepy jokes about you finally being 18 weren’t enough, he’s now rocking a mustache and wants to know what you think of it. You tell him mustaches are “so in right now” and run for your life.

5. You can’t forget about that person you never talked to in high school, but now they also go to your college. Your lives are so connected at this point, you feel obligated to make some sort of small talk. So, when they stop you on the street you ask, “Did you watch the game?” and they say, “Which one?” and then you pretend like you’re getting an important phone call and walk away.

6. Your mom. To be honest, you sort of expected to see her while you’re home, but what you didn’t expect is to be woken up at 7 a.m. with a list of things she needs to complete today. Really, Mom? Dry cleaner, grocery store, apply for internships and tell her you love her. All in one day? Be realistic!

7. And don’t forget about the high school couple everyone thought would be together forever, except for you because you pray on everyone’s downfall. Now, you’re stuck listening to her villainize her ex for 30 minutes. Here’s a tip: Don’t forget to nod every now and then and add the occasional “I can’t believe he said that.”

8. Finally, your ex-best friend from high school. Start the conversation off with an extremely long “hiiiiii” and a wonderfully awkward side-hug. Pro-tip: Never ever acknowledge the fact that you guys don’t talk to each other anymore, just stick to the casual small talk.

I hope this list prepared you to return to your hometown this week and, if it didn’t, I hope Cabo’s in your budget for next year.

Published on March 9, 2022 at 11:21 pm