Get the latest Syracuse news delivered right to your inbox.
Subscribe to our newsletter here.

We’ve all been there. The consequences of one too many green tea shots are now staring you down in your twin XL bed. Oh God, what’s her name again? Jessica? No, too many s’s. Vanessa? That’s the same amount of s’s, dumb*ss. Agatha? Sure, let’s go with that.

I want to preface with this: there’s nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned college hookup. Everyone’s done it. And if you’re sitting there thinking, “well, I’ve never hooked up with anyone,” let me just say, I’m free Friday afternoon.

College hookups are a bit like chewing without teeth: wet, awkward and something you don’t want to do in front of others — but if you have to, you will. A hungry mama’s gotta eat. It’s natural for young people to want to hump anything that even twitches in their direction. However, if you want to engage in a consensual one-night stand, be prepared to deal with the aftermath.

One thing about this campus is that it somehow knows who you are trying to avoid and makes sure you see them every day. Want to work out? Too bad, that guy from Tinder is using the treadmill you want. Hungry for a burrito? He’s in line for Chipotle. Need to take a nap? He’s under your bed. You cannot escape the ghosts of your sexual past, especially on this small campus. It helps to remember: you’re not alone. Eight out of 10 students are actively avoiding a past hookup, and only five of them are avoiding me.

I’m no amateur at avoiding ex-hookups. In fact, some are calling me the Michael Jordan of avoiding ex-hookups. Whether it was the worst sex of your life or you’re a liar, I have a couple of tips on how to steer clear of those past mistakes.

Bushes are your friend! There’s a reason why Syracuse has so many bushes on campus, and it’s not for aesthetic purposes. If you happen to see Jacob, Jackson or whatever J-name you chose, don’t be afraid to immediately jump into the nearest bush. You have to decide at that very moment what’s worse — 100 thorns piercing your body or making eye contact with someone who saw you naked. Pick your poison.

If bushes aren’t enough for you, consider changing your appearance! Dye your hair, get glasses, pierce that nose. Do anything that will have her thinking, “I don’t think that’s him. He didn’t have that massive mole on his chin.” If the wussies in witness protection can change their appearance to avoid being “murdered,” I think you’re allowed to do the same.

For those who can’t find any bushes and changing your appearance isn’t enough, I would encourage you to just leave the country. If you happen to run into Brad in that Russian bunker, I don’t know what to tell you.

Published on February 8, 2023 at 9:30 pm