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March Madness has ended. Baylor beat Gonzaga in the championship game, and Syracuse didn’t even make it to the Elite Eight. That’s the bad news. But the good news is I was taught to never give up, even when the odds, the facts and the lack of scientific breakthroughs related to time travel are all stacked against me. In the spirit of refusing to quit even when you really, really, really should, this is how the Syracuse men’s basketball team can still win March Madness.

The issues outlined above — the tournament is over, and Syracuse lost several rounds ago — are admittedly large hurdles, but they are not of insurmountable height. Yes, Syracuse lost to Houston in the Sweet 16, and yes, Baylor ended up winning. But, as surely as Newhouse students will never waste an opportunity to remind you which college they are a part of (I’m in Newhouse, by the way), these problems can be solved.

The first step in Syracuse’s journey to the top is also the most important: Texas must secede.

The organization that so graciously hosts the tournament and rewards the athletes with some form of payment better than money, I can only assume, is called the NCAA. If Texas secedes to form its own country, the NCAA will have no choice but to strip Baylor of its tournament win, due to the state no longer being a part of the U.S., and go back to the drawing board.

Texas’ secession would only be possible with the right political allies. But guess which leader of the free world just so happens to be a tried and true Orange? That’s right, President Joe Biden, knowing this is Syracuse’s only path to a tournament win, will be the Orange’s not-so-secret weapon. He’ll rally Democrats to support Texas’ attempt to leave the country’s group chat.

The NCAA has no choice but to replay some of the tournament, starting from the Sweet 16. Syracuse faces off against Rutgers now that Houston is no longer a city in the U.S. While the newfound country of Texas focuses on setting up international trade deals instead of cleaning the glass, Syracuse takes full advantage of its second chance and destroys Rutgers 80-14.

Syracuse moves on to play Arkansas, who gives the Orange a real run for their money. Still, Buddy Boeheim and the crew prevail, with head coach Jim Boeheim’s 2-3 zone defense turning into a 3-3 zone defense after the refs, influenced by Biden’s threatening phone calls, decide to allow Syracuse an extra player on the court for the whole second half of the game.

In the championship game, Syracuse faces off against Gonzaga. The Orange are down big at the half, so Boeheim decides to make a change. He finds a last-minute loophole in the rule book that allows him to sub into the game as a power forward. Boeheim posterizes a Gonzaga player, and Syracuse uses the momentum to get back in the game.

At the end of the game, it’s 71-70 Gonzaga. Syracuse gets the ball with a few seconds left. Buddy Boeheim, realizing his arm does not stretch in clutch moments like Michael Jordan at the end of “Space Jam,” chucks up a half-court shot. Boeheim yells “Buddy, I don’t say this enough, but I love you!” Swish. Game over. Syracuse University has won the 2021 NCAA Tournament. March Madness indeed.

Maybe this is just wishful thinking from an Orange fan devastated by another tournament loss. Probably not, though. I’m not saying we’ll automatically win if Texas does secede, but I am saying there’s still a chance. Don’t give up hope. Syracuse can still win March Madness.

Eliot Fish is a senior television, radio, film major who writes the humor column for The Daily Orange. He can be found at ebfish@syr.edu or refusing to throw away his “2021 March Madness Champions” hat because he paid good money for it.

Published on April 6, 2021 at 11:11 pm