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So, it’s that spooky time of the year when the leaves change, candy-induced sugar overdoses spike and Spirit Halloween appears in your favorite abandoned strip mall. That means Halloween is upon us, and it’s time to prepare for your epic trick-or-treat bender on the big night.

Before trick-or-treating, make sure to map out your candy route. Places like frat row, freshman dorms, downtown and Marshall Street are must-hit locations due to their notoriously high concentration of candy.

Also, places like the VA Medical Center and South Campus get a bad rap when it comes to foot traffic and candy per capita, but in recent years, these spots have climbed the hot-spot rankings due to a steady decline in crime and execution rates. Be sure to pay attention to visiting hours and the bus schedule before setting out to these underrated stops.

Next, you need to figure out a mode of transportation on Halloween night because it will be hard to consistently make it to all your locations after many strenuous miles of walking. Your typical Uber or Lyft driver is sure to be busy driving all the other trick-or-treaters around town, so it’s best you think outside of the box.

Reasonably, you might think a Veo is the next best option, but alas, Veos become quite a burden during door-to-door tricking and treating. This leaves you with few options and, in fact, I only see two plausible choices: carbo-load the night before to keep up your stamina when running from house to house or incorporate a pair of Heelys into your costume. With easy door-to-door agility and the ability to skitch behind a car to hot spots far away, Heelys are the greatest mode of transportation you could hope for.

Once you’ve got your Heelys laced, I can imagine many trick-or-treaters want to stop by at least one Halloween party. Live your life and have fun if you must, but know that stopping by a party for even five minutes decreases your net candy by a catastrophic percentage. Ideally, you should employ a stenographer to take notes of the parties you’ll be missing, or, at the very least, you should send a proxy on your behalf to maximize networking opportunities.
Although, if you make the sacrifice and attend a party in person, be sure not to eat too much candy. You wouldn’t want to get sick and throw up all over somebody. It ruins the party for everyone, and you probably won’t be invited back.

After your awesome night of many tricks and treats, be sure to get some rest. You would be surprised by how relentlessly demanding trick-or-treating can be on the body. In 2019, scientists led an award-winning packhorse on the same candy route I took on Halloween night. The horse passed out from sheer exhaustion just a couple dozen houses into the journey.

Scientists watched in awe as I carried his mane the rest of the route with nothing but glucose in my blood and Heelys on my feet. Had my equestrian friend not pushed himself so hard, I am positive we would have finished our route hoof-in-hand. Afterward, I was so tired I slept for four days and missed many important classes.

So gallop with care on your Halloween adventure, take each stop one Heely glide at a time, and rest well knowing you have a glorious bounty of candy waiting for you when you wake up.

Published on October 30, 2024 at 10:56 pm

Contact Jack: jpvanbev@syr.edu